Life Plans: Life After You

Warning:

Emo post below. hahaha. Read at your own risk.

Right now, I should be editing our thesis for its final submission on Wednesday but here I am writing another blog post. The reason for this blog post is the thing that has been bothering me for the longest time (at least for the last two months). 

Two months ago, I got an e-mail from a faculty member from Sejong University in Korea asking if I was interested in applying for a graduate school scholarship in their university and right then and there, my plans in life changed. I wanted to study abroad and find a job there before I go back here in the Philippines but I wasn't satisfied with it so I asked my parents if studying abroad would be a viable option for me after college (without mentioning about the Sejong University application) and they said yes. They even asked me to apply in NYU since we have relatives living in NY. Seeing that the odds were in favor of me, I proceeded to apply however, while filling out the application form, I doubted myself and asked:

“Is this what you really want?”

“Will you be happy about the choice that you’re going to make?”

“Is it worth it?”

I thought about it carefully and realized that I’m not yet ready to go out there on my own and decided to pursue graduate school here (I was even planning to take it in DLSU as well) and just stay here to work and build a life. I was so sure of myself and the plan I had in mind until last Saturday.

Everything that I had been talking about is all academic-related but at the back of my mind, I was also considering how happy I’ll be with where I’m going and due to the recent turn out of events relating to my emotional well-being, all I want to do now is....

RUN AWAY.

I want to leave the Philippines and forget about everything. Yes, I want to leave my old life behind. The hurt is just too much to bear. I feel like staying here will never let me move on with my life. If I stay here, I will never see what life has to offer me because I'm stuck with that one person who made me become like this. I want to start a new life. Somewhere that person can't come to me.

Dear you, 

I want to forget about you. I will live happily without you. I've devoted a few years of my life for you and I think it's not healthy anymore to love you unconditionally for the rest of my life. Although I would want to do that (which is kind of stupid), I still have a part of me that believes... there is life after you. I love you. I have always loved you. I wish you happiness and all the best in life. :)

I guess this is the best decision for now. 

-SHJ